I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
