did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
