Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
do nipples grow back?
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