So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
