It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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