Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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