Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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