If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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