worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
