epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
