I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
