I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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