proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
