i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So many bounce houses so little time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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