The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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