i was born a porn star she said
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
