did you get engaged???
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
