What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
