You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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