If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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