so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
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Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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