you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
