You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
as a side note pls kill me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
