The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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