I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i would one night stand the shit outta him
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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