New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
