the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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