it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
