Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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