so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
