im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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