So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
