Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
