Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
