I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
