i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
