Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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