tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
