I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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