Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
