In the future we'll all be gay
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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