On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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