I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
