Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
