remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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