I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize