I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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