why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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