So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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