we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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