You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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