hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
