i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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