Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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