I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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