Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Help. Why am I so naked?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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