you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sext me about skeletons
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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