How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
